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Doctor: "I have very bad news. I'm sorry to tell you that you have Alzhiemer's and cancer."
Patient: "Well, at least I don't have Alzhiemer's."
On board a flight to Hawaii, the pilot announced, "That thump you heard was our last engine conking out. I'm really sorry to tell you this, but we are going to crash into the ocean."
In the stunned silence that followed, an angry voice spoke out. "Dammit! That stupid doctor of mine! He said I was going to die of cancer."
This guy comes out of the doctor's office where he just learned he had terminal cancer. On the way home, he stops in a bar sits down and says to the bartender, "Hey pal, can you pour me a tall cold beer?"
The bartender asks him what kind.
The guy answers rudely, "Listen, I really don't give a hoot. Just pour me whatever."
The bartender snaps back, "Hey buddy, what's eatin' you?!"
Doctor: "I have some bad news and some very bad news."
Patient: "Well, might as well give me the bad news first."
Doctor: "The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live."
Patient: "24 Hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?"
Doctor: "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."
An old man goes into the local newspaper office and asks to place an obituary notice in the Births, Deaths, Marriages column for his deceased wife.
The receptionist says it will cost him $1 per word. He spends a moment or two filling in the form and hands it over to her, along with three pounds.
The message says simply "Ethel is dead."
"Oh, that's awful" she says "but why only the three words?"
"That's all I can afford" he replies.
She looks quite upset, and says "Just let me have a word with the Editor, see what I can do".
After a moment or two she comes back and tells him the Editor says he can have another three words free of charge.
So he takes the form, scribbles down some more, before passing it back to her.
She picks up the form up and reads it: "Ethel is dead. Car for sale."
"Not your white blood cells, that's for sure."
A women accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die:
1. Each morning , fix him a healthy breakfast.
2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood.
3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal.
4. For dinner, prepare him an especially nice meal.
5. Don't burden him with chores as he probably had a hard day.
6. Don't discuss your problems with him.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said to her.
"You're going to die," she replied.
Q. How many cancer patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Just one, but it takes a support group to cheer him on.
Top 10 Ways to Know You are a Cancer Survivor
10 Your alarm clock goes off at 6 a.m. and you're glad to hear it.
9. Your mother-in-law invites you to lunch and you just say NO.
8. You're back in the family rotation to take out the garbage.
7. When you no longer have an urge to choke the person who says,
"all you need to beat cancer is the right attitude."
6. When your dental floss runs out and you buy 1000 yards.
5. When you use your toothbrush to brush your teeth and not comb your hair.
4. You have a chance to buy additional life insurance but you buy a new convertible car instead.
3. Your doctor tells you to lose weight and do something about your
cholesterol and you actually listen.
2. When your biggest annual celebration is again your birthday, and not the day you were diagnosed.
1. When you use your Visa card more than your hospital parking pass.
Note: The information provided on this website was not written by a doctor or cancer specialist, so in all cases you should consult your own doctor about diagnosis, prognosis, and treatment.